the childless christian closet

How did this blog come about?  Well, good question.

I had another blog for about ten years. I stopped blogging there about 18 months ago or so for various reasons, some of which I understand and some of which I don’t, honestly.  Because of that, I feel a little surprised to be here with this new blog.

But sometimes, I come to these places in life where I believe God is asking me quite pointedly to do something and it’s usually something that stretches me way past my comfort zone. (Not “usually" -- "always.”) This is one of those times and, honestly,  it scares the bejesus outta me, but that doesn’t mean I won’t do it.  Let me further whine that in addition to being scared, I’m also unhappy because stuff like this makes me sound insane and nobody likes that, but I’m not asking anyone else to believe the Lord asks them to do things. I’m just asking them to believe that I  believe it. Make sense?

No? Okay, then. Moving on.

Now while I do believe that, when I tell you I’ve wrestled with this and fought against it for over a year, I ain’t kidding. We’re talking literal tears and sleepless nights and generalized angst about it all and I thought I was done with angst when I graduated high school.

I did not (and basically do not) want to do this.

Because, essentially, I’m being asked to “come out of the closet” as a childless Christian woman on this new blog. As myself, as me, to people – in general. And I’d rather hide, be anonymous, tell only a select group of people.

I don’t always feel certain about what I know in life, but there is one thing I know I know and it’s the one thing I can’t pretend I don’t know anymore:

There’s a childless closet in Christian culture and it’s deep and dark and suffocating and soul-sucking. Anyone who doesn’t believe me probably isn’t a childless person in the church.

(There’s a childless closet in secular culture too, but the topic is slowly starting to be addressed. Why secular culture is always ahead of Christian culture on necessary redemptive conversations, I have no idea. We should be in the engine room of redemption not the caboose.)

You know, on any given evening, I can turn on the TV and see a gay character on almost any show. I can see transgendered characters on TV shows now, too. This isn’t an indictment of their presence on TV, merely a statement of fact because I want to make a point here. The one life circumstance I don’t see represented anywhere with any honesty or transparency is infertility and childlessness. I’ve seen fleeting moments of honesty – a 10-second scene from “Julie and Julia” and the montage from “Up” come to mind – but those are split seconds, mere moments. They’re certainly no depiction of a life. Sure, ten years ago or so, Chandler and Monica on “Friends” dealt with infertility but they were given a happy ending with a miracle adoption – not one baby, but two! A boy and a girl! Because real life is just like that, of course.

I mention all of this because it’s time to say the emperor has no clothes. It’s time to call out the massive cultural lacuna we’re all suffering from regarding infertility and childlessness. For my part, I believe that books, TV shows, movies don’t depict these issues because there is so much shame around them that the infertile and childless feel their mouths are sewn shut. The shame keeps them silent, the silence breeds cultural ignorance, and ignorance can't possibly create any honest depictions of the childless life where the childless feel seen as actual human beings.

There is so much shame around it, the culture is having conversations about the homosexual life and the transgendered life -- life circumstances which affect much less of the population -- before it’s even opening the closet on the childless and letting them breathe fresh air again. I’m not saying those conversations shouldn’t be happening. They should. I’m saying this -- because I’ve looked it up using multiple resources: Approximately 1%-3% of the population is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Approximately .01% to .03% of the population is transgendered.

However, approximately 12%-15% of the adult population suffers from infertility and childlessness.

So it’s certainly not a numbers thing that's driving these conversations. If it were, infertility and childlessness would have been talked about openly long ago. No, I’m convinced the amount of silence on this issue is directly proportional to the amount of shame society heaps upon it. I honestly think it’s one of the last societal taboos and too many people are living the slow death of silent shame on the inside while smiling smiling smiling on the outside.

It’s time to break that off. It’s time to break that off before it breaks any more people. Actually, it’s past time.

And, you know, it’s way past time for the church. Unfortunately, because the church is such family-centric institution, it suffers from the biggest compassion deficit of all on this issue. "Family" and "womanhood" mean very specific, exclusive things in the halls of Christendom and some people are being crushed under the weight of the church's narrow definitions. Sure, some Christians may argue or deny this point, but we need to be asking the childless Christians if they think it’s true. Hey, ask childless Christians if they’re even going to a church and if they’re not, ask them why. I bet I can tell you what their answer would be.

It's time for the church to reassess how it treats and sees the childless in its ranks.

We need you to show us the face of Jesus, not the wrong side of a door.

And I guess I’ve got some things to say about that. Part of me really really doesn’t want to "come out of the childless Christian closet" because it’s pretty scary, but the rest of me feels I have no choice anymore. As much as I'd rather just keep muttering to myself while doing the dishes, sad to say, that no longer seems to be the task at hand.

So here we are. 

With this blog. 

I hope the things I’ll write here can help the childless feel seen and less alone.  I hope the things I’ll write here can help parents grow in understanding and empathy for this particular road less traveled. I hope the things I'll write here can help, in some small way, to build bridges between parents and the childless.

We’re not all on the same road in life, but we all need our roads to be acknowledged.

Can we do that here?